A Special Dark Art of the Sexes

Increasingly, players deliberately have bad hair days

Dec 12, 2024

Jack Stephens of Southampton (red) tugs Chelsea defender Marc Cucurella's hairdo

In the dark fairytale of Little Red Riding Hood, the young girl makes some excellent observations about her grandmother, who is actually a cross-dressing carnivore preying on humans.

Oh Grandma, what big eyes, big nose and big teeth you have, Ms Hood loudly observes in succession. And each time, Mr Wolf directly replies with the functions of what eyes, noses and teeth do. The one thing that Ms Hood missed was Mr Wolf's long shaggy hair. What does long hair do?

Ms Hood: Oh Grandma, what long hair you have!
Mr Wolf: All the better to flick at your face and blind you with my dear.

Weaponising Hair

This is the special football dark art of the sexes: long hair used as a weapon.

Watch how Marc Cucurella's hair flicks at Jack Stephen's face

Women know all too well why Southampton captain Jack Stephens tugged at Marc Cucurella's buffy bouffant. Unbeknownst to many male players who rarely come across long-haired players, these long locks can be used as weapons. Those in the women's game know how painful this can be and it is the reason why women players with long hair are careful to tie them up; they know from experience the repercussions of weaponising long hair.

Women players are more likely to tie up their long hair: (clockwise from top left) Aitana Bonmati, Lucy Bronze, Millie Bright & Marta

In the women's game, there is a long history of pulling opponents’ hair. Like Stephens, these are emotional reactions to the opponent who has irritated them in some way. It is the footy dark art of "pushing buttons" where a player will use whatever underhand methods they have to goad and irritate their opponent into reacting in plain sight.

A Red Card for Pulling Hair?

First, the question (for referees) to consider is whether the tug of a player’s hair is considered violent conduct.

Let’s consider straightforward red cards for violent conduct, which include:

1. Headbutting, or attempting to headbutt

2. Striking, or attempting to strike

3. Brutality

There are other straightforward red cards that are given for:

4. An unfair challenge using excessive force

5. Spitting

6. Biting

7. Using offensive, insulting and abusive words or gestures

And no one should complain about dismissals for:

8. A second cautionable offence.

Despite what some fans and commentators think, pulling an opponent's hair is not the same as pulling an opponent's shirt. The context is different. Just as if a player deliberately uses their hands to touch an opponent's neck or face compared with touching an opponent's back or arm. The context is different. The deliberate action is used to inflict harm, or inflict perceived harm, and to get a reaction. Therefore, pulling an opponent's hair is considered violent conduct (with brutality).

Players who have long hair can use their lengthy locks to negatively affect opponents, which is a football dark art. Cucurella knows this.

It Has Happened Before

Tottenham’s Cristian Romero (white) pulls Chelsea defender Marc Cucurella's hairdo

Technically and tactically Cucurella is a fantastically effective player, and generally has no need to use his hair to irritate his opponents. However, because the hair is there, there will be times when this special dark art of the sexes will be used.

It occurred in April 2022, when Tottenham's Cristian Romero also got irritated with Chelsea's Cucurella and pulled his hair. At that time, the VAR (Mike Dean) controversially chose not to intervene. Romero should have been sent off for violent conduct. For a match official to ignore this violent conduct offence is outrageous and lacks any integrity. Despite Dean's attempt to explain his reason, I do not support or condone his (lack of) action in not intervening for a clear and obvious red card offence.

Conclusion

Perhaps the reason why Little Red Riding Hood did not comment on Mr Wolf's long hair is because the wolf had actually tied up his hair and tucked it safely under a sleeping cap (or hat). This is precisely what long-haired football players should do, and in the women's game we can see that players mainly tie up their locks of hair.

A player’s potential weapons like long hair and sharp teeth should be safely tucked away. The more matches Cucurella plays with his unfettered long hair (and this applies to other players with long hair), the more chance there is for him to irritate his opponents and therefore to have his hair pulled or worse! Watch this space.

NOTE: As a writer and referee, it takes time to put together these Footy Dark Arts articles. May I please request that you share/forward these articles to your football friends to help raise awareness of Footy Dark Arts and appreciation of the modern game. Thank you.